Fries and Burger Mayo

I keep looking for similarities between Karachi and my hometown but I am completely adrift. This city will swallow me whole.

I keep gripping my mothers hand tightly, trying to telepathically scream at her to not leave me -TAKE ME HOME DAMMIT - but I still had to endure that tearful goodbye.

I keep doing things that remind me of my friends, but it doesn't really reduce the gaping distance between us.

Things are indeed changing but my life from now on will be a mosaic of the little things - from my colorful bed spread to my first food induced stain on them.

So my prayer for tonight is:

Oh Lord, don't let me be sad and don't let anyone make fun of my neon blue bathrobe.

P.S. Take care of my mother for me.

Ums, Ahs and Awkward Silences

The title of this post sums up quite nicely what is currently going through my barely coherent mind. All I can do is maintain a semblance of normalcy. I read a book, choked down a few pieces of chicken and made use of the passwordless wifi signals wafting through the air.

These last few days have been filled with what I can only describe as a flurry - of movements, of words, of thoughts and countless emotions. More than once I likened myself to a scrabbling rat trying to gather my childhood to my chest. The singular pink wall, the mismatched furniture, even the warbling of a deluded cousin will be sorely missed.

I came to terms with the fact that I was leaving for Karachi, but it hasn't really registered with me that in a few days my safety net will truly be gone and I'll be floundering.

But for now, I'm keeping it classy. No nuclear meltdowns in sight, invisible audience! Wish me luck for AKU :)

For Someone

It’s been two years since she left. Time has not been kind. I still cry at every mention, every memory. A person who loved me more than anything – and as time passes I learn that anything doesn’t begin to describe what I feel for her.

I am sad that you didn’t get to see me become a better person. I am grateful that you always saw that potential in me, and I am sorry for not believing you at the time.

For someone who is sorely missed.

Naseem Fazal. 

The Possibilities

Imagine.

You could be a new person. If. If 'that' did not happen. If so and so never went away. If you never lost myself - my way.

Just if...

The word if holds nothing but fear for me. I look at it with hooded eyes. Wary.
The ramifications of an "If" being realized is terrifying.
The possibilities of being. The multi-pronged reality we live in.

The cat is both alive and dead.

It Happened One Day...

To speak as one. 

To weep as he weeps for his soul. 

To feel as he feels-euphoric.

To live as he does.

To try.

This is what it is to wade through Rumi's verse. I discovered him in an old corner bookstore - drawn to his presence, his words.

"My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure if that, and I intend to end up there"

And I don't think I can turn my back on him just yet, at least not without a full Tehqiq. I am meandering through the maze he shoved me into and true self awareness lies at the center.

"Close both eyes.. to see with the other eye"

Cache Up Front

So I recently discovered this gorgeous (because I did not want to use wondrous) activity called 'GeoCaching'. It's something I am immediately putting on my BucketList and I sincerely wish it gains popularity here in Pakistan (there are around 10 caches in Pakistan). I'll try as a recently reformed muggle to spread the word to the best of my abilities.

What these people do is they leave these containers called caches all over the globe. GPS devices and clever clues lead explorers to the places that guard these boxes (benches, trees, crevices etc). These caches are usually filled with a myriad of items and a log book. The items are added or removed by the people who discover these treasures and leave their names behind on the list of those who preceded them.

Can you imagine going around the globe and discovering boxes filled with memories and even leaving a piece of yourself behind?

My advice would be: Google it, find a site and register. You should have a smart phone or a GPS device and your own means of transport. Be adventurous and let this girl bound by a Char Deewaari live vicariously through all of you.

1001 Books to Read Before I Die: I

Running with Scissors-Augusten Burroughs

Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes - Chris Crutcher

The Things a Brother Knows - Dana Reinhardt

When Crickets Cry - Charles Martin 

You, Maybe: The Profound Asymmetry of Love in High School - Rachel Vain
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books - Azar Nafisi

So B. It - Sarah Weeks

A Brief History of the Dead: A Novel - Kevin Brockmeier

The Color Purple - Alice Walker

Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
Lush - Natasha Friend

From a recent book kick, these are some of the books I couldn't acquire (sobs heavily). Anyone who manages to come across my blog and happens to have one of these MUST at ALL costs mail them to me. Pretty please? An eternity of servitude will be pledged to the sender of these elusive ebooks. 

P.S. I accept any format (pdf, lit or anything else with software directions). Just drop me a line and I'll give you my email address

Lots of love <3 <--- this is a special heart